Nine Hollywood Tropes Moviegoers Loathe: Part Seven

Disney Endings (modern day's Deus Ex Machina)

Who doesn’t like seeing the hero prevail after enduring 90 minutes of hardship? Of course we want Indiana Jones to get the girl and the treasure, or for Brewster to get the whole $300 million.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the kind of denouement that is nothing but a cheery end to a film that’s winding down and has to end sometime, so the directors just shoot the good guy winning and go have coffee.

Take Changing Lanes for example. It isn’t worth watching twice, but while watching it, I'm really growing concerned about where this feud between Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson is going to end. Could it end up getting physical? Would one of them have to die?

Not to ruin a completely mediocre film, but what’s the magic cure for a brutal and ugly clash between these characters? A friggin' chit-chat! Affleck goes over to see Jackson’s wife - throwing out one of those cheesy side-grins of his - and he explains what’s happened.

Wow. How bloody exciting. A bit like the climax of 300 but…not.

How about the ladies’ favorite flick Pretty Woman? I can understand Gere’s character needing to go slumming: we’ve all been there. I can understand him defending her from the likes of George Costanza’s hairy mitts. I might even understand him learning to loosen up a little while this street-rat introduces him to more proletarian habits such as burping or the Arsenio Hall “whoo, whoo, whoo” thing.

But giving up the inevitable top-shelf ladies that a billionaire could pull for a prostitute? Umm…nahh. I'm not saying Hollywood needs to echo real life, or there'd be no Die Hard, but we at least need to feel like the ending wasn't just some slapdash scene hurried through because the studio was out of money.

Day of the 'Dog: "Fierce Creatures"

Today's underdog came along nearly a decade after the only comedy to be nominated for best picture: A Fish Called Wanda. Obviously, Wanda got lots of attention as did the actors starring in it. When the cast of Wanda got together again for Fierce Creatures, though, the film was scarcely a blip on the radar of most moviegoers.

I didn't see it in the theaters, either, but waited until it was out for rent and subsequently found myself laughing hard enough to stop the tape for fear of missing something else.

Some film fans have anxiety about seeing a movie with a returning cast - thinking it will be a tired version of the film that made them famous. But Creatures has actors such as John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Kevin Kline in completely different roles from Wanda, and is so autonomous that the two have little in common, and nothing in the way of cheesy, inside jokes as a wink and a nod to fans of the previous film.

These are - after all - accomplished actors, and there are some noteworthy acting additions that add flavor to the setting: a zoo on the outs in need of a financial face lift.

The comedy itself is a lot like Wanda - that is, very witty situation comedy and clever repartee between characters. You could just about listen to the whole things as an audio book and still laugh your butt off.

Why it deserves dog status: It could be that movie buffs still held such high regard for Wanda that to them anything like it would not fill such large shoes. It could be that Creatures got lost in the mix somewhere between a British and American film, which has certainly happened to other films, vis a vis underdog Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (which is just as good and very similar to the much more popular film, Snatch).

Either way, Creatures is a complete peach of a comedy that has tons of replayability and a simple choice for a crowd-pleaser, since it's more "Americanized" and therefore more accessible to mainstream viewers than many British or British-influenced films.

Too, you could never have seen Wanda (or anything remotely British for that matter) and still find Creatures as funny and original as long-time, self-proclaimed British humor fans who speak of Benny Hill as ranking just under the Messiah.

Nine Hollywood Tropes Moviegoers Loathe: Part Six

Jewish jokes that nobody gets

I’m as PC as the next WASP, and sometimes I even mean it, but let’s talk demographics for just a sec. Jews make up 1 out of every 50 Americans: less than Mexicans, Blacks, and Asians. I think there are more Albino Yaks in America than there are Jews, and yet about half of all films come across like they premiered at a Bah Mitzvah.

I know the reasons: Jews make up a very significant portion of Hollywood producers, directors, and actors. I get it. But consider your target demographic here: someone from Anytown, USA with a little scratch and nothing better to do that go to a movie. I didn’t even know a Jew until I was like 25, and yet I feel like I know more about Jewish ritual and mores than an Orthodox Rabbi.

Take Bordello of Blood - a decent, inventive vampire flick that was a lot of fun. When they finally remove the heart from the head vampire, they have an arbitrarily long scene where Dennis Miller gets it disposed of a la some non-existent Jewish rite. Okay, we get it: your Jewish. You want an award? And there’s Miller clad in a yarmulke just in case you didn’t get the hint….psst, he’s Jewish! Forget the fact that it had dammit-all to do with the rest of the movie.

Now how about Adam I-can’t-make-one-joke-without-letting-you-know-I’m-Jewish Sandler. In Eight Crazy Nights you magically have a whole town in the heartland of America that just happens to be Jewish. Where the hell is that supposed to be? If I’ve met a Jew outside of New York or LA they were lost and wondering how to get back to the city.

I understand Sandler wants to hook all of his friends up with clever, Jewish inside jokes that the rest of us could give a hoot about, but a whole town?

Mel Brooks pulled it off with a little more subtlety at least, where you could watch his movies without knowing any Jews (which many of us don’t) and it could still be funny based on circumstance or delivery. Nowadays, though, I feel like I’m watching Curb Your Enthusiasm on loop.

Throwback Thursday: "Three 'o' Clock High"

High school in the '80s was a cruel time of ill-advised fashion and what would today be social hara-kiri in the form of yellow sweater vest, bright aqua turtlenecks, and hair teased so high that it could tangle in low-hanging branches.

Three 'o' Clock High is in many ways a very typical '80s movie: the main guy is dorky, but not too dorky, not like his friends; he has a brunette falling all over him, but he wants the blonde; and all matters high school are overblown to a global scale, as if the film's outcome holds the same weight as a war or a presidential election.

In many ways, though, High is anything but typical. From the very beginning, the camera work is extremely elaborate - shooting and editing must have been a bear. Sometimes this gives the impression of being overdone, but most times (particularly in the beginning montage) it adds solid appeal to a film that doesn't have much originality in the story or setting department.

The acting, with plenty of recognizable faces, is pretty good. While the story is predicated on an agreed-upon sense of drama quite typical of high school, everyone's on the same level, so there are no outliers to run against the film's grain.

The whole thing is supposed to be funny, I'm pretty sure, but it's not so much funny as it is comfortably entertaining. It would have been better with a few really solid laughs like how John Hughes would pepper his high school drama flicks, but High doesn't need the comedy to move it along, really.

So, though the story has been done before and since, give it a viewing for camera work and editing alone, both of which are excellent. In this way, High is a fine, under-the-radar addition to the Hughes-esque '80s canon.

"Hulk Vs Thor" hammers one home

Okay, so it might be a little lame to review the second half of a DVD set (recently released Hulk Vs), but it needs to be said that I originally didn't review Hulk Vs Thor because I thought it was going to be so-so at best. Not judging by Hulk Vs Wolverine, of course, which was great, but based largely on my complete ambivalence for Thor as a character. I've never been much of a fan of the "all powerful" figures such as Thor, the Silver Surfer, etc.

As it turned out, Hulk Vs Thor is a real treat with a genuinely interesting story full of emotion and heart. When Hulk invades Asgard, its not nameless faces he fights with but likable and honorable characters that have just enough of an introduction to establish some sort of connection with the viewer. There are very human sides to the film as well, like with tragic hero Bruce Banner, who - even as a "sung" hero - still carries the albatross of the Hulk around his neck.

As with Hulk Vs Wolverine, the voice acting is top-shelf, with plenty of stars that have done great work on video games, audiobooks, and the like (albeit voice actors' film roles are often a little lame, but that's irrelevant).

Portraying the Hulk as a sort of Pandora's Box is an interesting take, as well, since we're used to either the Hulk that Bruce Banner has to gain control over, the crude but ultimately good-natured gray Hulk, or the rage-tormented but reclusive "Hulk smash" figure that only fights when cornered.

The combination of heroic and mischievous characters - a virtual curtain call of the figures of Norse mythology - to stop the Hulk brought forth rung after rung of diverse and interesting adversaries, though largely ineffective against the Hulk as anything but a distraction or delay.

It smacks of the actual legends of Norse mythology where the warriors on earth who prove themselves in battle go on to train and fight in heaven - the day's wounds healed by the following day - only to fight in a final battle that they well know they cannot win.

It is this sort of tragic destiny that adds character and depth to Hulk Vs Thor, making it - dare I say - the equal or better of Hulk Vs Wolverine (I'm sorry Wolvie - you're still my fav, though).

"Nick and Norah" falls short of "infinite" anything

I thought it was very gutsy for the New York City tourism board to bankroll Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Apparently that's precisely what happened, or else there's just no explanation for the fact that the film was 90 grueling minutes of how cool and hip NYC is.

The film features parentless teenagers who are seemingly allowed free run of the entire city - to include nightclubs - without fear for their safety, or any real reciprocity for their incessant meanderings altogether. But that's perfectly fine because each one is in a band of some sort and enjoys an advanced, post-college understanding of music, entertainment, and literature...so there's that.

It seems that in Nick and Norah's NYC, drunken antics will not get you date-raped or mugged, but will instead summon the collective and complete understanding and warmth of everyone you come in contact with.

Dispensing with the dripping satire for a moment, I had though - erroneously - that every movie patched together with the cast of The 40 Year Virgin, Arrested Development, or stemming from the old Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared days could do no wrong. The actors were just too damn funny to produce anything that completely sucked, despite the occasionally long-winded flicks like Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I was wrong: even quirky little Michael Cera can really suck. While I usually trust IMDB for their rating system (how can 6,000 voters really add up to an inaccurate rating?) I have to utterly disagree with the 7 out of 10 rating.

Sure, it's possible that I've just not come to terms with the fact that I'm 30-ish now and films about high schoolers who are completely indistinguishable from college students are not going to appeal to me. I mean, not like "Where's Fluffy" the mythical and impossible-to-find band from Nick and Norah. Here's a band that everyone - everyone - universally loves. All ages, all races. They love it so much that - at sunrise - they all flock the streets like it's Black Friday and built up speed with giant smiles on their faces just to hear this band.

My God, I think. This band might just make this awful movie worth my $10. Right at the end of the movie, the band takes stage, and...nothing. Our main characters have sneaked off to have some more teen sex. Then I remember why: because a band universally loved does not exist, just like the characters, city, and circumstances of this crappy movie do not exist.

The fact that it falls short of even delivering on a movie-long promise of the apply-named "Fluffy" is a testament to how flat the entire feature fell.

Day of the 'Dog: "The Long Kiss Goodnight"

This week's underdog puts the A in action - and you've likely never even heard of it. While flicks like Die Hard and The Bourne Identity have earned their fame, if we look to the number of IMDb reviews as a litmus test for movie views, The Long Kiss Goodnight only registers 25% of Bourne's feedback and a paltry 16% of Die Hard's.

Starring Gina Davis and Samuel L. Jackson, and packing as many solid laughs as it does tight and well-crafted action sequences, it's hard to tell what made this one go relatively unnoticed by moviegoers at large. It could be that action/comedies are often breezed over at the video store for fear of the scenes coming out too cheesy to pass as action, but too busy to be comedies.

I would still call Kiss an action flick - hands down - but it is laden with comedy to be sure.

The first time I saw it was during a double date of beer and pizza where - much to my date's chagrin - I became more engaged in the movie than in her. Had my friend not taken a chance on it, I might never have come across this action gem.

Why it deserves dog status: Few action movies are really well rounded. Some end up sliding into sub-genres of spy vs spy, super cops, or A-Team action (you know, where nobody dies despite massive explosions and a rain of gunfire so that it can get a PG-13 rating). Kiss is extremely well-rounded, with hope and despair, underdogs, and larger-than-life heroes (a la Davis' alter-ego Charly). The dialogue is very witty, with quips you'll have to see the movie a couple of times to fully appreciate.

The replay value is quite high, as well: I've owned the VHS and then - when my VCR followed the Betamax to the bottom of the ocean - I bought the DVD without hesitation. I know that at least once a year I'll be watching Kiss again, and still feeling my pulse race at the action, and laughing out loud at the comedy.

The likability of the characters and the awesome chemistry between Davis and Jackson make Kiss a memorable ride through spy games, shootouts, and narrow escapes that's sure to please.